"Do you have a religion? Do you believe in God? "he asked...
She smiled.  "You don't have to believe in the sun to delight in the warmth of the morning light. It is simply obvious.  That is how I know god.  As to my religion,.....Everywhere, I have found the same Spirit in all religions- a Divine Will that transcends time, belief and culture-revealing itself in the universal laws that are the treasure of God".
...."Within the mystery of life, the universe operates according to laws as real as the laws of gravity.  Woven into the fabric of existence,....These laws direct the mechanics of the universe, the movements of flowers reaching for the sun, and waves thundering on the shore.  They govern the movement of the Earth, the cycle of the seasons, the forces of nature.To their songs, even the galaxies dance..."
 This is how I  know God and Spirit.

SBT-Nun for the road, thanks
Current mood: chipper

    She leaned into the car,flashing teeth and popping gum.... Her predatory smile rimmed by too much lipiner filled in with a patent leather looking pearlized gloss....She smelled like leather, sweat, smoke and cotton candy body spray..."You want some company?"

    Perhaps this wasn't such a good idea....She kinda looked like a tackily embalmed version of Dolly Parton's evil twin....Maybe there was a better way to spend the 150.00 grandpa gave him for  his 16th birthday....What if his friends brother was right and he got leprosy or gangrene and his  dick fell off?  How would he explain that one at school.......His voice came out a strangled squeak when he said "no! thats ok...." and sped off, clicking the door lock and rolling up the windows....The nuns at St John's catholic acadamy had done their job well it seems........

*curtains close*

    The punctuation and spelling may go to hell on this posting...*warning*  :-)  I read Buddhamama's post, and in respect to her wishes, I have not commented, virtual hugged, or otherwise noted anything about her blogs around eating disorders.  But it made me look at my own issues arounf this.  My first diet was in the 4th grade....My first stint with anorexia was 7th grade....I went from short round butterball to petite curvy blond pretty quick....kept off the weight til my sophmore year in high school, then started the bulimia thing.  I took 4 PE classes a day, and thought i would get fat if i actually kept down the little carton of chocolate milk I drank...But then when i would eat....Well it wasn't pretty..I was hospitalized at 89 lbs at the end of my junior year in high school.....

    In college, i thought I had it beat.  I ate healthy, if sparingly, and was arounf 120-130lbs.  I still saw someone grossly overweight in the mirror....Had a very distorted lens...But then it came back because the young tard i called my boyfriend in college told me i would look hot if i just lost another 20 lbs, and i was lucky to have him because no one else would want a fat thing like me.

   Now, I have been fat and thin and everything in between because my metabolism is screwed....And they have me on steroids for inflammation, and asthma. *shaking head*  I am heavy right now.....But the weird thing is, even though i don't want to weigh this, some part of me just gave in... gave up....relaxed....Looked in the mirror and said, this doesn't have to be forever....everything changes....and now i am just trying for healthy, not skinny. ... Just let me breathe, and walk , and work, and laugh.  Let me excel at being human, if nothing else......  

I am feeling sleepy

  Today has been a good day.....worked,got part of my house clean, studied.... and the romantic little girl/wild  woman in me (that had previously been stuffed away in a box-laugh if you want- its true) dreamed a bit....

   It didn't quite work out as planned....My date worked himself into a zombie state, and decided sleep was the main goal of the night, not meeting me.  Since last time I did the exact same thing  to someone, I kinda chalked it up to crazy work schedules....But I am  a little bummed.  I believe him....beneath his bratitude, there is a nice guy lurking underneath.

   The only problem now is I have a bad case of the "I wants"...And I didn't realize how long my list of I wants was until I didn't get what I wanted today.  So maybe if I spell it out now, I'll have something to refer to later if I go blank...(Hey it happens more often than you think)

   First I realized, I am craving intimacy now...Nothing too scary....just that intangible crush thing of getting to know someone, haven't felt it in a long time...and suddenly its there....and you want to get a little closer....Its wonderful, but then in between times,it feel lonely.  My birds, classmates and clients are not enough.  I want  someone to share with, laugh with....grow and learn with.  Maybe more over time, but this for now.  One step at a time, one day at a time.

    So many things roiling around in my mind......Reading different friends posts about sex, love, mental illness, family, friends, hairless cats.....And all of it makes me think.  I feel like I have lived so many lives in my 40 years already......And Yet there is so much to do and see and learn!!!!

    I  know what it is like to be sweet shy and naive- part of me still is, and it shows at the stupidest times....I know what it is like to be Ms wild outrageous sexual vamp too...(Though I defintely have to try really hard-I am naturally an introvert-I need someone to lead so i can follow in new situations....Otherwise they can be exciting /scary to the point where i will stutter and blush.  I came from a good well to do family, but I was so poor in college i had to get free food from the church and collect aluminum cans to put gas in my little honda elite scooter...

     I worked two jobs to put myself through school and maintain an apt 2 cats and a boyfriend in the style they were accustomed to....Been in two accidents (both times i was a passenger), relearned how to walk, dance etc after drs said i wouldn't be able to....Got and survived cancer at 25, which inspired me to work in the field of nursing....I wanted to make a difference.  I spent 5 years feeling like I was living on borrowed time....Thinking about how much of my life had been gifted to me and wasted.....Not knowing if this thing inside me called cancer  was going to go away for good or sneak up and kill me.  (Yes it is gone- i am fine)

    I got married and moved 3,500 miles away from anyone I ever knew, to the east coast, only to find out a bad marriage is far worse than being alone...Just as a good marriage can be as close to heaven as you can get sometimes.....(I miss snuggles and well, everything,....but I also know ya can't fake it into happening....takes time, takes heart, takes meeting the right person)  And I started over from scratch with nothing but a computer, my clothes, a car, and my pets at age 34.  I didn't want any long drawn out divorce, or settlement, or anything...Just a quiet settling down of bruised feelings...A chance to start healing again.

     I have friends that are 20 or more years in the making, and almost no enemies.....I can't hold onto hate, jealousy, rage....Its not in me...But  I know how to fight for my life.  I know what it feels like to have someone you love and trust throw you against a wall and point a gun to your head.  It happened.  I went from scared to icy cold precision in about a minute or less.No drama, no jerry springer fights.... I didn't get scared til it was over, the locks were changed, restraining order filed, then I just shook, and cried.  He was the only ex i didn't stay friends with.  I am very good at keeping myself safe now.  The first question I want answered now is- is this someone i can trust?

     I know what its like to be truly loved and in love......To be wildly happy, and truly depressed....Wandering in the darkest hallways looking for a lightswitch or a doorway....But everything I have just mentioned are just experiences to have, to learn from and be shared....People meet me and wonder how i can be so trusting and happy...but when you consider the alternative, even the worst of times become nothing but blue skies and sunshine.  How could I be anything but happy? I am still here!!!!! :-)

August 26, 2007 - Sunday Something that made everything I do worth it! Current mood: content Today something wonderful happened, and I consider it the best early birthday present anyone could ever hope for! I have been working for the last couple of years as a traveling CNA, and in 2005, I took care of a wonderful retired nurse, who was recovering from a brain injury and right sided weakness, almost paralysis, but not quite,(still had nerve signal, just not enough strength/control to move her limbs effectively) for a period of months. It was brought on by an infection that almost killed her. No one even tried physical therapy, as she was 74 yrs old, and they didn't think it was possible. She wanted to try anyway, so I agreed, and worked out an advancing Physical therapy regimen, and slowly, her weakness was improving, and then they switched me to other clients. Well today after 2 years, i went back to fill in for a day, and she couldn't wait to show me what she could do. She asked me to hold her walker, and she stood. She still can't walk, but she can stand, and her right side didn't buckle for a count of 10 !!! It may take another year before she can walk, but now we know she will. I went zipping back towards my apt to take a nap before working 3-11pm tonight, and i was having to rub my eyes, - I was so happy for her.....Like I said- best early birthday present anyone ever gave me.

Lots of good and bad stuff happening all at the same time....I start school tonight, new classes, and instead of being nervous, I am excited, because its science courses that I know I will be using as an RN. I had a day or two of panic, because my textbooks did not arrive in the mail, the first time I was late on rent they sent me a three day notice, and then when I tried to take money out, I found out that I couldn't because a mainframe in michigan for wells fargo went down...I am a traveling CNA, and I needed gas to get to work within the next day, birdfood,veggies and crickets for my birds and geckoes, and coffee for me....ARHHHHHH!
    On the bright side, my textbooks will arrive today, Wells fargo is working again,  the three day notice was afalse alarm,  per the office I am in good shape with them...I got gas and birdfood before I ran out of either, the geckoes still have crickets so They are ok, and I took a chance and may have made a new friend thats local...He is even a bird lover...  My finances are coming back together, now that I  have gotten a raise at both jobs, and my car is getting paid off sometime around my birthday...My optimism knows no bounds!!! WOOHOO!!!!

Its been many years since I have changed my profile picture on mindsay, so if you are curious, this is me now.  Many new things are happening....I have finally registered for classes, and am actively enrolled in my pre-reqs for the RN program.....I start August 16th.  I am taking Human Biology and Math for liberal arts this term.  I already took Statistics, but because its a C, it would be better to satisfy the math requirement with this course, as I need a 3.75 in all my pre-reqs to get into the programs I want....On another note, even though I am poor as a -----(fill in adjective here), because I am dropping my hours to go to school, I have as of yesterday received another raise from  one of my jobs....I told the boss what I was doing school-wise, what my income was dropping to, and he said yes!!!!  I don't know how I will make the tuition payment and rent in the same month, but it will happen somehow....(I have til August 10th to juggle accordingly)  One of my clients/friends is buying me a textbook for my birthday Aug 30th)which is the most wonderful gift I could ever hope for...And to top it off...As you all know, I am a student of Jewish mysticism, quantum physics and anything else that hits the right note inside spiritually....And I applied for and rec'd a spiritual grant of sorts.....I  am getting a 23 volume set of the english translation of the Zohar, with commentary, for free.  Life is good........

These are pictures of John, Wanita, and Jessica Lynn.  My brother, like myself has gone through many changes...Pesky younger brother shouting "I'm telling!" to concert going, imported beer drinking college student with a goatee and earring, to overly serious,reclusive, incredibly ambitious young professional, to a funny, warm, openhearted person who hugs me and who will be a wonderful dad!  He is now the kind of brother I have always wanted, and I am so proud of him!!!! I just saw him and met Wanita and Jessica for the first time not to long ago...Even though they have been married for quite some time, it was impossible to meet until now as they were living in Switzerland, and now Japan.  Wanita is beautiful, and despite being told she is shy, I found her warm, friendly, intelligent, sweet, funny, and incredibly good with animals and kids.  I think she is the best thing that could have ever happened to John.  They are perfect together.  Little Jessica isn't so little anymore, She was born in Feb of this year, and now if you hold her up on your lap, she loves to flex those little muscles and hold a standing position.  She hardly fussed at all, and was smiling  almost all day.  I can't believe it! I am an Aunt!  I will post more pictures of her as I receive them.

This is my mom.Eventually I will post a better picture of her here, but ths one is the last one I have of her on my computer, on a good day, without too much back pain, before she had cancer.  She has always been the creative one in my immediate family...She can listen to any piece of music once, and play it within minutes on the piano.  She has sketched, painted, quilted, beaded, researched, traveled extensively, raised two kids while completing an english degree, donated time to thrift shops, just completed her last chemo treatment, and is going on vacation with my dad to decompress for a while now that it looks like she will be ok.

This is my dad.  He is a reformed workaholic....enjoying his retirement.  He was chief electrical engineer at Brown and Caldwell, enjoyed restoring classic cars, playing tennis, and teasing mom.  He is very intelligent, and still wins tennis games by using his brains more than brawn.  He has a particular gift of pattern recognition.  This helped him as an electrical engineer, because he could spot the error on a diagram without needing to think it through...He just would know " it" was the problem.  I am betting this intuitively helps him win tennis games too.  I miss seeing him in person, now that they have moved to another state.