So many things roiling around in my mind......Reading different friends posts about sex, love, mental illness, family, friends, hairless cats.....And all of it makes me think.  I feel like I have lived so many lives in my 40 years already......And Yet there is so much to do and see and learn!!!!

    I  know what it is like to be sweet shy and naive- part of me still is, and it shows at the stupidest times....I know what it is like to be Ms wild outrageous sexual vamp too...(Though I defintely have to try really hard-I am naturally an introvert-I need someone to lead so i can follow in new situations....Otherwise they can be exciting /scary to the point where i will stutter and blush.  I came from a good well to do family, but I was so poor in college i had to get free food from the church and collect aluminum cans to put gas in my little honda elite scooter...

     I worked two jobs to put myself through school and maintain an apt 2 cats and a boyfriend in the style they were accustomed to....Been in two accidents (both times i was a passenger), relearned how to walk, dance etc after drs said i wouldn't be able to....Got and survived cancer at 25, which inspired me to work in the field of nursing....I wanted to make a difference.  I spent 5 years feeling like I was living on borrowed time....Thinking about how much of my life had been gifted to me and wasted.....Not knowing if this thing inside me called cancer  was going to go away for good or sneak up and kill me.  (Yes it is gone- i am fine)

    I got married and moved 3,500 miles away from anyone I ever knew, to the east coast, only to find out a bad marriage is far worse than being alone...Just as a good marriage can be as close to heaven as you can get sometimes.....(I miss snuggles and well, everything,....but I also know ya can't fake it into happening....takes time, takes heart, takes meeting the right person)  And I started over from scratch with nothing but a computer, my clothes, a car, and my pets at age 34.  I didn't want any long drawn out divorce, or settlement, or anything...Just a quiet settling down of bruised feelings...A chance to start healing again.

     I have friends that are 20 or more years in the making, and almost no enemies.....I can't hold onto hate, jealousy, rage....Its not in me...But  I know how to fight for my life.  I know what it feels like to have someone you love and trust throw you against a wall and point a gun to your head.  It happened.  I went from scared to icy cold precision in about a minute or less.No drama, no jerry springer fights.... I didn't get scared til it was over, the locks were changed, restraining order filed, then I just shook, and cried.  He was the only ex i didn't stay friends with.  I am very good at keeping myself safe now.  The first question I want answered now is- is this someone i can trust?

     I know what its like to be truly loved and in love......To be wildly happy, and truly depressed....Wandering in the darkest hallways looking for a lightswitch or a doorway....But everything I have just mentioned are just experiences to have, to learn from and be shared....People meet me and wonder how i can be so trusting and happy...but when you consider the alternative, even the worst of times become nothing but blue skies and sunshine.  How could I be anything but happy? I am still here!!!!! :-)